And now for something completely different...

[Slartibartfast]

Well guys, be happy for me as this marks my...
500th post!!!
Yuppers, I have no life.

And now, this is my sad attempt at a humorous fan fic...

Okay, I have no clue what inspired me to write this. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Any errors are entirely my fault because I haven't read the Cyke mini and I haven't read the Twelve storyline for a year or so. So sue me. We'll just pretend that this is set as if Scott were back with the X-Men at the very end of Claremont's run. To quote one of my favorite shows of all time, "repeat to yourself 'it's just a *story,* I should really just relax!' for...."

The Further Adventures of Apocaclops... or... AM I OF THE STRONG?
By Saille

"YOU WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT!"

"Don't you yell at me, Mr. Summers."

"SORRY!...er, AHH-hem, sorry, Jeannie."

"And don't say everything like it's a command. It's spooky. You sound like him."

"Sorry, sometimes I just get this urge, you know."

"Mmmm-hmmm."

"So, you wanna go into town, find a nice, cozy little restaurant...AND SHOW IT OUR SUPERIORITY!"

Sighing, Jean turned on her heel and flounced away. She knew Logan had to be around here somewhere...

Scott's face fell. This is ridiculous, he thought. I am stronger than this, I can control it. I can. I know it because I AM OF THE STRONG!

"Arrrrgggghhhh! I need a drink! Now!"

His path lit by his irritatingly glowing eyes, he made his way to Xavier's office. Old Charlie was in bed, and Scott knew where he stashed the expensive stuff.

Apparently he wasn't the only one. The sound of a slurred voice singing loudly, off-key, and in German assaulted his ears as he approached the slightly-ajar door. He pushed it open with a finger, resisting the urge to dramatically slam it against the wall.

"KURT! IT IS YOU! Er, hi, Kurt. Mind if I join you?

Kurt nearly hit the ceiling at the sound of that voice. His fur visibly stood on end and he felt his buzz slip away whimpering.

"Uh, sure, S-scott. Make yourself at home." He blinked and added hurriedly. "Not that you aren't home I mean..."

"Gaw, not you too! Everyone is nervous around me. I'm okay. I'm still Scott Summers, mostly. I think. YOU WILL GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!"

"Ja, okay, okay." Kurt passed the bottle of superbly aged scotch to his former team leader and rummaged in the formerly locked drawer of Xavier's desk for its twin. Popping the cork, he downed a huge swallow.

"Ahhh, that's what I need," Scott didn't even flinch as he tipped the bottle back. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand he turned back to Kurt. "Jeannie's mad at me."

Kurt downed another swig. "Ahh, I'm sorry." He shuddered as the alcohol burned its way down his throat. "Ya know, drinking's no answer..."

Scott turned a burning eye toward him. An eyebrow quirked.

"Ach, it's okay for me," he paused to hit the bottle again. "I'm celibate now, I've got to do something."

"Hmmm, me too, but ya don't see me crying in my bee-whiskey over it, now do ya?" A quarter of the bottle disappeared.

Kurt snickered.

"Yeah, what about that...that priest thingie? You were the consumed...constitute...CONSUMATE! ladies man, Kurt." Scott pulled up a chair and flopped onto it backwards. His chin rested on its back, his eyes burning redly. "What happened?"

"You know, I don't really know." He shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. But with Cerise here..." He trailed off, sucking his breath in harshly. "Yeah. Well, anyway, after you... ah, left, a lot of reeaallly weird things started to happen." Kurt slumped into the chair by the professor's desk and crossed his ankles on top of the neat desk, knocking over his pen cup.

They both watched the pens scatter across the desk with interest. Neither moved an inch to pick them up. Wasn't I supposed to be saying something, Scott thought. Oh, yeah.

"Oh....hmmm, like what weird?"

"Jean and Betts started hanging around each other a lot-"

"Hey, that's not that weird. That's kinda...exciting." Scott licked his lips as Kurt's curled slightly in disgust, showing a pointed fang.

"Oookey, well it got weird when Betts suddenly told Warren to quit having dirty thoughts about swans one day and then Jean started slinking around in shadows." He took another swig. "That always creeped me out anyway, I'm the resident shadow-slinky-type-person. Yup."

"Yeah, that is odd. I've haven't gotten sh...squat out of Jeannie 'bouts that."

"Ach, and poor Katzchen! All that time she spent with Logan and Wisdom finally cracked her brains. She chopped off all her hair and started carting around Logan's old claws! Cat?s not laughing now, bub, fer sure! Sccchhhnniiccckkktttt!!! Hehe..."

"PERHAPS SHE WOULD NOT HAVE FAILED AS MY HORSEMAN!" Scott unsuccessfully fought down the Apoca-twitch that came every time Logan's name popped up. "I mean, you don't say? Where is she anyways?"

Kurt smiled at the madman nervously and made the executive decision that he needed to be much drunker.

"Uh, that's just it, she's gone! She disappeared just like that," Kurt snapped his fingers for emphasis and noted Scott's eyes didn't return to his face. Kurt waved his hand in front of Scott's face for a moment before Scott blinked and broke his blank stare. Red eyes flared and Kurt ducked slightly. He needed a visor on that mug to feel truly happy.

"Welcome to the glowy-eye club, by the way."

"Oh, that. Were they glowing again?" Scott's eyes crossed in a drunken attempt to see each other. "I hate it when that happens, I never know when they're gonna go off."

Kurt made a strangled noise and tried to surreptitiously scoot his chair out of the line of fire. Scott didn't notice. Slowly his eyes wandered back to Kurt's face.

"So she jus' went poof?" The eyes flared again.

"Ja." Scoot, scoot.

"Well why didn't you guys look for her? Jeez!"

"Ach, I tried! Some verdammt weirdoes with funny hair shot me, so I couldn't go. But when I tried to get somebody else to look, oh, no! 'Ve ahll need uh vacation, szugah!'" He mimicked Rogue?s drawl rather unsuccessfully as Scott snorted a laugh. "They went off to party in New Orleans! Arrgghh!! 'Laissez les bon temp rouler,' that verruckt Cajun told me! Imbecile!" Kurt tossed back another swig for emphasis, panting from his little rant.

"Hmm, I guess a lot has changed."

"And what's up with you? Are you Scott or Apocalypse?" Kurt giggled as a sudden funny thought occurred to him. "Or are you Cycalypse....." His mouth snapped shut and he regarded Scott warily. Ooops...

"I AM OF....um. I'm Scott, of course." Surprisingly and very unCyke-like he giggled too. "I like Apocaclops myself," he grinned in the general direction of Kurt's astonished face and listed toward him conspiratorially. "But, shhhhh, don' tell nobody that."

The two men collapsed in helpless laughter for several moments.

"'Don' tell nobody,' Gott, you sound more like Gambit now!"

"Ugghh, don't say that! That's worse than the lip-miester!"

"Ja!"

Scott sniffed in real sadness as he closed one eye and peered into the depths of the empty bottle. A dull red glow flickered through the brownish glass.

"All gone."

"Here, I'll share..."

"'Kay. Hehe... Ya know what, Kurt? I love you, man."

Kurt eyed him suspiciously. "You're not going to get funny on me are you?"

"Naw, it just seemed the appropriate thing to say."

They snickered drunkenly as Kurt tried desperately to pour some of his scotch into the bottle Scott held out to him in an unsteady hand. The bottles just kept multiplying and dividing...

>*<

The morning sun slowly spread its light across the mansion. Tendrils of the day nudged through curtains and streamed through the open corridors. Henry McCoy bounced down the carpeted hall to the professor's office in his typical buoyant manner. He noted the slightly-ajar door as he approached but failed to note the way dawn, in her rosy-fingered glory, seemed to avoid illuminating the room and indeed slunk away from it in amazed disgust.

"Professor, I.... Oh my stars and garters!" Hank stepped into the office, the overwhelming stench of alcohol washing over him. He peered through the predawn gloom at the two figures sprawled by the desk, empty bottles still clenched in their slack fists.

Scott lay on one of the chairs, his head thrown back. His throat vibrated with gentle snores. Scott's eyes glowed redly through the slits in his not-quite-closed lids. Hank shied away from the idea of startling him awake but he sure could torture the elf.

Kurt had obviously slid out of his chair and not moved since. He lay on the floor with the bonelessness of the dead drunk. Hank toed the inert figure with a huge digit. A groan and a tail twitch were the only response. Crossing his arms, Hank harumphed loudly.

"And they thought they had it so bad lately!" He sniffed disdainfully. "At least they didn't have to wear goggles."

A running joke in CFAN is that Apocalypse speaks only in HIGHLY DRAMATIC capital letters. Hehe...*snort* So for those of you confused by that, blame them. As for where the rest of the blame for this story goes, I blame Robitussin, Advil, muy fuerte asthma medication and caffeine. Oh, and KC...

[Drags]

Speacial senses shattering double sized 500th post!

LOL heres to another 500 Slarti!

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Got elf?

`~`~`Dragonlady`~`~`

[Rex Luscus]

I prefer Cyclopalypse

Good story, dude! I needed that laugh ...

-Rex

[BlueElfEars]

I will not...

*snort* ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA *gasp*

Ok, I'm better now.

I've loved every one of your stories, Slarti. And congrats on 500! I was proud to hit 50!

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Is that you there, or just another demon that I meet?

[Slartibartfast]

You know, Rex, I almost, just almost made it a slash! I was inspired by that Wisdom/Kurt one I think. Hehehe...how's that Captain Britain/Nighty one comin'? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...


[This message has been edited by Slartibartfast (edited February 14, 2001).]

[Mousey-Mouse]

What a great way to mark your 500th post, with a fabulous fanfic! I love it, Slarti! You know, I've been in a good mood all day, and now I'm in an even better one!

P.S. As Boss Mouse, I give you the rest of the day off...

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I am a particularly clever hyper intelligent pan-dimensional being, fear me

[Spatula Gal]

Another great story Slarti...

On another tack, I think I ought to tell you that taking robitussin along with asthma medicine in dangerous. The robitussin will loosen the fluids in you lungs, but the asthma stuff tends to inhibit coughing. It could make an attack worse than if you had just left it alone. Just a friendly warning, I suffer from asthma too, and used to take lots of robitussin, till my doctor told me to stop. I'm on Serevent and Flovent now.

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It's all you need in souperheroes and haute cuisine:
Culinary_X

[Elwing]

Yay! Exellent, Slarti! brought a grin upon my face and reminded me of this story http://lubakmetyk.hispeed.com/others...fLettingGo.htm (slightly adult content)Thanks! And congrats!

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BLUE-ELF.COM- hangout for the Nightcrawler-obsessed.

http://www.blue-elf.com

[BAMF!]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slartibartfast:

"Welcome to the glowy-eye club, by the way."

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LMAO!

SLARTI, SLARTI, SLARTI! You must have known that it was time for our 'Slartibartfiction' fix.

Danke for yet another highly entertaing yarn SLARTS!


SLARTFICTIONFANBOYBAMF!

[Kurt Wagner]

Congrats on your 500th post, and I am sorry that you have no life, but cheer up your not the only one there oare plenty of people that don't